Update on Samantha

First, I apologize for the new format of this blog which won't allow me to indent paragraphs. 2012 was a pretty good year till fall came. Samantha started having trouble controlling her outbursts so we decided to pursue some help for her. Since we've gotten "help" her outbursts have gotten worse, but the doctor keeps telling us this is a celebratory effect. Strange? Well, here's the logic. Removing anxiety also removes fear of consequences and brings underlying problems to the surface. The next step is to treat the underlying condition - at this stage we're treating ADHD, inattentive subtype (traditional ADD) and if we can effectively treat it we'll have a more firm diagnosis. She's already been diagnosed with other conditions that the doctor believes are symptomatic of the ADHD - sensory processing disorder and central auditory processing disorder. ADHD is itself an overall processing problem. In Samantha's case, this probable diagnosis will not be the bottom line. ADHD is often tied to other conditions, so we'll be exploring what those are through Easter Seals and counseling. Easter Seals would diagnose any social disorder that may exist and counseling would help work through adoption issues. As parents, we see the bottom line as three-fold, the first being the function of her brain. Samantha was in foster care so we can't attribute her delays to institutional care. It's more likely that she suffered something damaging to neural development at or prior to birth. The second is emotional trauma related to her separation from her birth parents, and the third is hereditary. She may have gotten her extremely strong will from her Chinese heritage. One of the best things that has happened with medication is her use of language has improved. She's finally communicating why things bother her, and this is huge. It's been a guessing game for ten years. I could ask her questions and she could let me know if I was on track or not, but having her tell me what's really going on in her mind is amazing. Sometimes her logic is perfect and other times I'm really astounded that she could think what she does (it makes no sense at all). Either way it gives me a basis for working things out, which is still difficult but at least an option.

Hello, I'm signing on from London, UK. It feels incredibly more surreal to be here than China. I have been submersing myself in the history of this culture since I was young, thanks to parents who were avid readers and a dad who had majored in English lit. and is a huge fan of C.S. Lewis. When I was about ten, I read "The Hobbit" about three or four times over a period of a couple years. When I was in college, my parents bought me all the James Herriott books and I proceeded to read them over and over through my adulthood. I also read all the C.S. Lewis books along with many other books by British authors, but it wasn't until I was well into my 30's that I tackled Pride and Prejudice. A few years later I discovered Charlotte Bronte, who I believe ranks second in my favorite authors to James Herriott. My favorite movie of all time is "Little Women" (also one of my favorite books). Hey wait, that's based in America. Well, yes, but part of the story takes place in Europe, and in the movie Laurie says to Jo, "Can't you just see us bashing around London?" That line has literally been going through my head on automatic repeat since we planned this trip. Also, I've become somewhat of an addict to BBC mini series, not so much comedies and sitcoms though. I'm more into the historical. There's the more popular Downton Abbey of late, but I've also watched many other older ones, including Lady Jane (I think that might have been a movie, not a series). It was amazing seeing a huge painting yesterday at the National Gallery of Jane blindfolded right before she was beheaded. As I said, I'm more into the depictions of history and truth be told, I was a little taken aback watching the Opening and Closing ceremonies of the London games. The state of the culture today doesn't appeal to me although the people are very friendly and well, chatty, as you might expect. Well so much background...of course the best part about being here is seeing Bryan, no question there. But it's also amazing to see things I've only read or seen vicariously on the screen (even in their modern setting). In Scotland, it was a little more "true" to the original heritage. I got such a kick out of the taxi drivers. They rambled on and on about little things from everyday life and I felt like I was having a pint with them somewhere. There was a lot of sheep too! I mean a lot of sheep. None crossing the road and making us wait, though, which might have been fun to experience. In addition, I counted ten(ish) men in kilts, only one of which was playing bagpipes. Bryan tells me kilts are a rare style of formal wear in Scotland. The thing I wish I could have seen given warmer weather and more time was the Scottish highlands. I've read books describing how beautiful they are, oh well, maybe next time? Yesterday we took a walk around the Westminster area of the city. Because it was Sunday, not everything was open so maybe we'll go back and see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace and see the inside of Westminster Abbey. I better sign off so we can get to our day.

China Post #3

It is Aug. 11 and we are on the first leg of our trip home, flying from Guangzhou to Beijing. One thing that was included in our time in Beijing that I forgot to mention was an amazing acrobatics show. It was very dangerous and no nets. I can’t describe the whole thing but one of the acts was a chair balancing act, I think there were about ten chairs by the end with the acrobat doing a one-handed handstand. After we left Xian and the Terra Cotta soldiers etc., we arrived in Cheng-du, the fourth largest city in China. The big attraction there is the giant pandas. It’s in the western part of the country. The first day there was pretty relaxed. We went to an outdoor tea shop where you could get a massage and ears cleaned! None of the Loomis’s opted for the second but most of the others in our group did. We also walked through a beautiful bamboo park and got to see people doing tai chi and other martial arts and dances. The rest of the day we hung out at the hotel, which was a much needed break. The next day we saw the pandas. It was awesome to see so many in one place, and they were fairly active. We also saw a one-week old in an incubator. They showed us a movie explaining the breeding process and also the rescues they have to do when the mother tries to kill the baby. It doesn’t always happen but often. In the evening we went to what they call a face-changing show that included everything from shadow puppets to a musical with video and canned sound added in, ballet and gymnastics, and finally the face-changing which was really dramatic. The use of costumes in China is incredible, and for this part they used masks and changed them instantaneously. Our tour guide said no one can figure out how they do it. I thought that along with everything else the show had somewhat of a magic show spin to it. To me it seemed disjointed but entertaining nonetheless. Our next stop was the very scenic Guilin that attracts tourists from all over the world. It has a mountain range with very jagged and somewhat small mountains. There’s a river that runs through the mountains called the Li River; it then turns into the Pearl River but more about that later. The two days we were there were very pleasant and included going to a beautiful cave, taking a river cruise, and visiting a local farm. At the end of the day I finally spotted some rice fields, yay! I thought I might not see any in both trips to China but as it turned out I finally did. On our way back to the hotel we stopped at a Pearl Museum. We had already gone to a pearl market but this one was special because in South China they have fresh water pink, black, and gold pearls. I bought a special pearl for Samantha since her orphanage is only four hours south along the river where they get the pearls. Finally orphanage day arrived. We split off from the rest of the group and our tour guide rode the bus with us to Wuzhou. We continued thru the mountain range and saw many more rice fields in the valleys. Samantha’s city reminded me a little bit of San Francisco but not as steep. It also reminded me of Orlando with all the palm trees. When we adopted her they brought her to us in the capital city of the province which is more flat. She really loved her hometown and got treated like a princess at the orphanage. They had a welcome home sign on the new building that’s still under construction. As well, they gave us gifts and we donated a printer and some baby items. Unfortunately, there are very few if any small babies there any more! It’s no longer that kind of orphanage but rather cares for special needs children thru a US funded program. We got to see many children and interact with them but didn’t get a sense of what life used to be like for the babies. Since Samantha was in foster care for most of the time, it wouldn’t have given us any context for her situation, but we were still curious about it. We had requested to meet her foster mom but not surprisingly were unable to. They said it was because they couldn’t reach her, maybe so, maybe not; our orphanage people haven’t been very helpful as we’ve compared notes to what other ones allow. It varies a lot depending on each province and other factors. They did show us the finding site where Samantha was left and that helped give us a lot of context. Her birth parents put her somewhere where she’d easily be found, not far from the orphanage. We took a picture of that place but again it’s different than it was ten years ago according to the information we received. After staying in Wuzhou one night, we traveled by bus again to Guangzhou, our exit city. It was also our exit city when we adopted Samantha. Many adoptive families from several provinces go there to have their final medical examination and get their Chinese visa for their child. We didn’t have time to go to some places we saw before but did meet up with our group again and had a great Western dinner together. We compared notes about our orphanage visits and were realizing that not as many babies are being abandoned anymore. Less international adoptions are taking place and more domestic ones are.

China Post #2

On Wednesday we went to the Great Wall. It was Samantha's first time, our 2nd, same place. It was fantastic, except for the rain! Imagine trying to climb very uneven stairs and ramps in the rain. Dave and Katrina made it to one of the higher towers and Samantha and I made it about a third of the way. On our way to the Great Wall we stopped at the jade factory. Lots of impressive stuff, very expensive. On the way home we stopped for lunch at a porcelain factory. The Chinese have their tourist restaurant/factory/gift shop areas down to quite a science. On Thursday we went to the Summer Palace in Beijing, which was very beautiful. Weather cooperated so we had a nice boat ride on the lake. Samantha enjoyed seeing all the intricate paintings on the walkway around the lake, including the monkey king. While there we also had lunch at an older style building, very nice. The rest of the day was getting to the airport, flying to Xian, and getting settled in our new hotel. Today we headed out to see the Terra Cotta Warriors. On the way we stopped at a factory where they make the smaller replicas. The kids got to make their own. Then we did a little shopping and headed out to the site. Talk about amazing, hard to describe but we'll post pictures either sometime during the trip or when we get home. Tonight we're scheduled to go to a dinner show. Always and Forever is taking pretty good care of us. Our local guide isn't quite as good as the one in Beijing but she's okay. The hotels have been decent, not first class but still very nice for China. Every bus ride has been pleasant with plenty of air conditioning and water bottles.

China Post #1

We have finished our 2nd full day of touring in China. We arrived safely on Sunday, and immediately met up with our tour guide. Traveling went well including my back and leg. I had to take some extra pain medication and it worked fine. We have a very nice tour group, a total of four families consisting of four couples, four 9&10 year olds, and three teenage girls. As I write this we have the Chinese coverage of the Olympics on our hotel TV. We miss the US, especially since FB is blocked! Ethan is very kindly putting this up for us. When I say FB is blocked, what I mean is that it is blocked completely for everyone here! Before I go into detail, I want to say it's been very interesting so far doing pretty much a repeat of everything we did the first time around, the main difference being summer vs. winter. Yesterday was very hot but we started early so enjoyed fairly good temperatures for awhile. Today was raining all day. Yesterday the day started out by touring the Temple of Heaven and surrounding park. It's a very impressive series of round courtyards and temples. Everything has been preserved well. In the park, many people were playing games, dancing and exercising, and just hanging out in general. The kids had some opportunities to do paddle ball and play with streamers. We visited some shops and tried to avoid the vendors by constantly saying Bu-yao. After that we made a quick stop at Tianemenn Square. From there we went to the ancient part of the city that's under restoration. First stop was the drum tower, sort of like a bell tower but with several huge drums. Then a rickshaw ride along a canal to our next stop - lunch provided by a local host. It was delicious food and a fascinating experience. More and more dishes kept appearing, and at the end they explained the layout of each shared household. The individual dwellings are about the size of a living room, and the one we were in had the cook's bed, serving area with tables, a small couch, and some highly valuable family heirlooms as the hostess would have been a Manchurian princess. Other dwellings served other purposes, such as laundry etc. In the afternoon we went to a tea house and had a private presentation. Really fun! Sort of like a wine tasting but with tea and a demonstration of how tea is made, special teapots with cool features, even a jasmine tea ball that turns into a flower in the water. Finally, the kids enjoyed watching "pee-pee boy"; I'll leave that to your imagination but his purpose is to show that the water is hot enough. The adults enjoyed it too and it was certainly a selling point for tea since a free one came with each purchase. Today as I said it was raining, but we still enjoyed our excursion to the Forbidden City where emperors lived for a long time. The next place was a silk factory. The presentation there was fascinating, and of course we did some shopping afterward! Then onward to a very nice restaurant for lunch where we had a full duck meal, minus bringing out the whole duck this time like they did our last trip. That was sort of a relief because Samantha would not have liked that! Finally we went to the free market and did shopping for about an hour.

Why China?

(SORRY Blogger won't put breaks in the paragraphs.) The other day I was prepping Samantha a little for our China trip. We are going to visit the orphanage that she's from, and I was telling her about her adoption. Then it occurred to me to tell her WHY we chose China. I'm feeling like blogging about that today. When I was in college, I befriended a girl from Hong Kong. Something inside me stirred, thinking there was something special about this people group. When I was working on my master's at Temple for a degree in ESL, I got to tutor an elderly woman in Chinatown. At first the strong smell of garlic in the area disturbed me, but when I met with my student I couldn't help but love her amazing hospitality and bubbly character. One thing about the Chinese is that they love to laugh. You may think they're a rather serious lot b/c of communism and all that, but quite the opposite is true. Sometimes their laughter is at the expense of others, but unlike in the USA, it's different b/c it's not mean-spirited and people don't take offense in the same way. It's all part of the culture. I admit in giving this "expertise" I'm borrowing a little from exposure to other Asian cultures, especially the Japanese, whom I had more contact with as an ESL instructor when I officially entered my profession. When we were in China, it seemed that random individuals or groups would burst into song. How many times have you walked around a city and heard REAL singing, not someone who's in their own little world or someone performing for a dime? This confirmed my theory that the Chinese are happy! Another thing I love about the Chinese is their industrious nature. They may be a little too much so. You know why everything, I mean everything you purchase was made in China? They never stop working. They're literally up all night working. Construction in the city continues, no one worries about people in nearby four star hotels who may be trying to sleep. Speaking of everything being made in China, I bought a gift for our upcoming trip at a midwestern breadstore called Great Harvest. It was a wooden bread plate carved with their logo, which has a stalk of wheat. I thought, how nice this would be, showing a little about the heartland. And to my dismay when I went to pay for it, there was the tiny sticker "Made in China." I had already rejected several other gifts for that reason. I bought it anyway. I've noticed this seemingly inbred industriousness in Samantha. She loves to organize and help with cooking, laundry, and yardwork, to name a few. I have no doubt she'll succeed in life even though school continues to be a challenge for her. She can't help but succeed, she's Chinese! One more thing before I end this ramble. When Dave and I were starting to catch a larger vision for missions, we attended a conference on China. We got all excited about me teaching ESL and Dave doing something with economics in China. We even considered living there. I'll tell you what, that dream hasn't died. We still see ourselves doing short term trips to China in our lifetime. So why China? Because underneath all the twisted political and cultural brokenness, there's a group of people that know how to live life.

An A-Ha Moment

I'm starting to see the big picture of why God put me and Samantha together. I know some things about child development having studied it in college and then raising three older kids. I also know some things about language development, having an advanced degree in TESOL. Samantha is lacking in both life and language skills, and since she was young I've felt inadequate to help her, even with my background. But the more I explore how to help her and find teachers and therapists who will address her needs, the more I'm seeing what I can do for her. They're the experts in working with children. I have knowledge that informs my assessment of what kind of help she needs. I continue to seek out that help for her, and then come alongside the experts to reinforce what she gets in classroom strategies, tutoring and therapy.

In other words, I'm the bread on the sandwich so to speak. I hold together the meat of what she needs. I recognize that she needs something, find it for her, then reinforce it. I've known this in a roundabout way but saw it more clearly yesterday when I got to observe on camera what the ISU speech therapist did with her. It was our first day, and I'll be able to do this each time. I can watch the therapy session and then follow up at home. I think I'm a little ahead of the game with my background but still have a lot to learn. In the past, I was able to observe Samantha with the OT when she had sensory processing therapy, and this enabled me to understand her struggles and deal with them myself. However, I got lazy and it became exhausting to be creative in the ways that were required, so I sort of gave up.

Now, I see that this is what God has called me to. I'm not homeschooling anymore; instead I'm the special needs child advocate and supporter. It's new territory as a parent, but I can see how my professional background gives me the resources to do it. Not that someone without my background couldn't do it - I see parents all the time who are learning on the job just like me and doing well at it. The thing my background helps me with is giving me confidence that I wouldn't otherwise have, since I'm not a Type A person. I'm the more cautious, methodical, trial and error type that gets easily overwhelmed when there's too much on my plate and I'm in over my head. In this case, because I've dabbled in language education already, I don't feel in over my head; it's at least vaguely familiar.

A 20 year old mom of 14 kids

I'd like to introduce you to Katie Davis, who between the ages of 18 and 20 adopted fourteen kids in a small village in Uganda. She has recently written a book called "Kisses from Katie" that I just finished last night. Along with mothering and homeschooling her own kids, she has founded Amazima Ministries through partnering with friends in the US, and is able to sponsor around 400 kids for food, clothing, and medical needs.

Katie has a real heart for Jesus and being his hands and feet. She reminds me of a modern day Amy Carmichael. She is knowledgeable in how to care for many medical conditions that plague the people of Uganda. One thing she describes is removing jiggers from feet, which are little insects that burrow their way into feet and cause painful walking. Once they're removed she supplies shoes to prevent the problem from developing again.

Katie is a true testimony of a young life living out her calling. She shares honestly about the hardships of leaving an upper middle class life and potential marriage. If you need a good book to read to pull you out of complacency, this is it!

Dave's Surgery

It's been twelve days since Dave's surgery. It's been a roller coaster time. To summarize, Dave had about 5 inches removed from his small intestine to restore health lost due to Crohn's, along with having his gall bladder removed since he had gallstones. This is his third surgery. This time the incision was longer, he was in a hospital out of town b/c he chose a colo-rectal surgeon, and there were a couple extra things that happened post surgery that hindered a quicker recovery.

First, his pain wasn't fully managed from the epidural upon waking up from the surgery, and this affected his blood pressure. It took the rest of the day for them to get his pain under control. It was a little scary when the nurse told us they needed the doc's approval to up the epidural because the higher it goes, the greater the chance you can stop breathing. Upon that news I had to leave and go home for the evening. They said they were going to monitor him so that was somewhat of a comfort.

The increase made a huge difference and Dave was feeling much better by Day 2. Unfortunately he was struggling to get uninterrupted sleep not only from the nurses but his roommate, who kept his TV on nonstop, talked to any and every nurse and tech that came in, and talked incessantly to visitors, even to himself at night. Dave tried to make the best of it and doze when he could. He eventually got earplugs and that helped a lot.

The first couple days Dave was only able to swab his mouth with water, then he was given permission to have ice chips. On the third day they took an x-ray b/c the output from his NG tube was almost twice as much as his fluid intake. They thought the tube was in too far. The x-ray didn't show that it was, but by day 4 they concluded that they needed to adjust it, and after they did, the output reduced to the point that he could finally go on clear liquids. However, since the epidural was still in place (longer than the usual time), his bowel function didn't resume. Finally the epidural came out and "normal" recovery kicked in Friday night.

One surprising thing in comparison to other surgeries was that Dave had more energy and wasn't exhausted after doing his walks. The first day he was able to stand up, the second day he tried his first walk to the end of the hall, and by the third day he made it around the whole floor and was even doing laps.

True to Dave's nature, he kept the nurses laughing and told us some funny stories. One was that on the weekend, he "sneaked" out for a walk by himself. He was supposed to have a tech, but when they changed shifts, he figured that the new ones would assume he got permission to be out on his own and wouldn't say anything. He was right!

Things are going fine here at home. Yesterday he was more adventurous and tried french fries; he didn't have a very good night so I guess he's not quite ready for a full diet even though the doctors said he could have it. He didn't eat very many, but even so, his body wasn't prepared to handle them. Other than that, things have been going about as well as can be expected. The first two or three days home he couldn't get any motivation to do anything outside watching business news (of course the huge story about ATT and T-Mobile was going on, something he teaches about!), but the last day or so he's had an interest in reading, doing email, and other somewhat mild activities.

Thank you all for praying!

How Long, O Lord?

This is a question I asked when Samantha was a baby and a toddler. How long would I be struggling with her behavior and special needs? Well, today as I read Psalm 3:3 "Consider and answer me, O Lord my God..." I knew that God had come to my rescue, that "he has dealt bountifully with me." (v.6)

Things are still hard, but in the midst of it all God keeps reminding me that we've come so far from where we were. Progress is steady and beautiful. Just a few days ago, I asked Samantha to apologize. She did, but reluctantly and with an edge to her voice. I asked her to do it again and she said it in a monotone, which for her was pretty good. To give some context, when she's been asked to apologize, she's either screamed she's sorry over and over, refused to say it, or tightened her chest and screeched it with clenched teeth. I had to wait till later and ask her again, and then she would barely say it. The beautiful thing about what happened the other day is that after she said she was sorry in a monotone, which I accepted, she came back to me a few minutes later and sincerely said, "I'm sorry, Mom." PROGRESS. ANSWER TO PRAYER!!!

You may be in a long hard situation that you wonder whether it will ever change. I want to encourage you today to keep trusting in God. Whether God changes the circumstances or not, you can know His love is steadfast and sure. He won't allow anything to ultimately harm you, that's His promise. I've learned to let go and say, "Lord, some things may never change. Samantha may always exhibit anxiety if not anything worse. But you will walk us through those situations and strengthen us through them. You have a plan for us."

The thing that keeps me going is stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, even as I face more hurdles on the horizon. One is Dave's third major abdominal surgery coming up. I have to admit it's a little scary, but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm counting my blessings, which are many:

Dave just went to Seoul as a keynote speaker for a major conference and as Katrina said was "an international superstar."

Ethan just interviewed for an internship in his field of study at State Farm.

Bryan is getting well connected to the music ministry opportunities in Nashville and is getting valuable experience for his future.

Katrina quoted Shakespeare's entire "To be or not to be" soliloquy to me last night, another evidence of what a great student she is: straight A's through high school so far!

I'm feeling better in general and able to function much more than I could a couple years ago.

What's in a Brain?

The main topic of my post today will be regarding Samantha's language development. But before I talk about that, I want to give an update on my hip and leg. Overall I've been doing much better since I got the second injection. I still have moments, but things aren't as chronic as they used to be; by that I mean I don't feel something all day long in varying degrees but rather I feel normal and then have flare-ups. I love my new vehicle, even tho I have to keep adjusting the seat b/c Katrina is driving it too! I haven't had to use extra cushions except on our trip out east.

So now, what's in a brain? Do you realize how many steps are involved in processing language? I've always loved language, and was particularly awestruck when I took my linguistics class for my master's. God has created the most amazing thing, and even more, He's created us with an amazing brain to "get it" - and we acquire it so naturally at an early age.

But as we know, although this is the norm, there are deviations with kids who can't get it. Before I go into Samantha's case, I just have to say I have such an appreciation for all the research and science and trained professionals who deal with these issues in kids. Like St. Jude, they know their stuff and are really amazing.

Samantha has sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder, and probably an anxiety disorder as well, although that hasn't been officially diagnosed yet. Based on her age, her receptive and expressive language puts her highly at risk for
learning. On top of that, she has a memory problem, possibly from a condition at birth i.e. malnutrition, poor prenatal care, or whatever. So why is she functional at school at all, which she is? Because she's a borderline child that compensates using mostly visual cues, and she has the basic "ability" to learn. What does this mean?

It means she needs intervention NOW before she starts dropping off the charts academically. So far, school has been manageable. She's a year older than her classmates and although most tasks are challenging and she's gotten outside help from pull-out programs, she's been able to slowly progress. So, this summer we've done three things. We had her tutored twice a week, then started an intensive four day a week language therapy, and are also now taking her to a special reading class at ISU. Although all three have been helpful, I think the language therapy shows the most long term potential. Samantha has started speaking more naturally and age appropriately the last couple weeks. She doesn't hesitate so much to think of a word (which I end up supplying for her most of the time.)

All that to say, what's in a brain? Somehow these language experts have figured out a way to make the brain restructure itself so that a child who doesn't fit the norm becomes one who progresses more rapidly toward the norm. It's amazing. I don't know how they do it, but as I see promise, I'm glad we invested both time and money. If it does what I hope it will do, we'll be one step closer to the long term goal of not only getting through school but getting through life and connecting on a deeper level emotionally.

Unbelief vs. Hope

I've been struggling with lack of faith regarding a current situation involving Samantha's language and auditory processing disorders. It's hard for me to trust God to help her overcome these obstacles, even though I've taken extra steps to get her help. Starting today, she's going to do an intense language/processing program at a local speech center. Next Monday she'll also be starting a special reading program at ISU.

My struggle is more one of inadequacy on my part, that I'm just not the kind of mother to give her support for the challenges she faces. It's been an emotional time for me, taking her to appointments and such; I see how far she has to go more clearly now than ever before, along with knowing how frustrated she becomes with things that don't come easily to her. My mother's heart wants to say, "Just leave the poor kid alone, she's been through enough." But I'm conflicted too because my mother's heart also wants to help her achieve her maximum potential. The missing element is a foundational trust in God that He can bring about changes that are real and lasting. Samantha has made slow progress in almost all areas of development, and then slipped back into lower levels.

As I read my summer Bible Study book this morning about Martha and her struggle of faith when Lazarus died, I could relate. Jesus has the power to do anything, but we only see things as they are and even though we hope He'll use His power to make things different, we don't really expect it.

One thing that hit me earlier this week is that when Ethan had leukemia, I made sure every detail was being attended to, not only with his health but with his schooling. If there was a problem that came up, I immediately contacted the doctor or teacher and dealt with it. I made sure to remind doctors of details they forgot. I was driven to ride things out till Ethan was fully restored. With Samantha I don't have that same drive; I resist jumping through hoops that might give her potential for change. In parenting I've worked really hard at accepting who she is rather than trying to make her something she's not. But this has left me virtually crippled to pursue the help she needs and hope for substantial change. May God give me the same drive, based on a faith that He's put her in this family for a reason and has great plans for her.

Dating

Should an age be established that is acceptable for a Christian young person to date? Should someone avoid dating till they are seriously considering marriage? Should independent dating or courtship with parental supervision be practiced?

Over the years I've pondered this question. I've had a hard time with the "they're too young" argument, mainly because some of the best marriages I know, including my godly maternal grandma's, were started at a fairly early age (my grandma was married at 16). It just so happens that my grandfather was formerly Amish, and it just so happens that the Amish, whom we regard as about the most conservative of all, have a pretty "loose" policy when it comes to dating. They allow their children to see each other in private, at night, normally in courting buggies. Of course they have been instructed how to properly behave, but nonetheless the possibility of indiscretion is there. No one, not even their parents, know they are dating until they announce their intentions to be married at a church service. Marriage soon follows. If they stop seeing each other, no one (supposedly) knows they were ever a couple.

Along with my grandparents, my husband's sister was married at sixteen, her daughter was married at seventeen, one of my brothers started dating his bride around 17, and my close friend and roommate from college starting dating her future husband at around age 15, give or take. All of these couples are very happily married today.

Culture plays a significant factor. The Amish culture, along with earlier marrying ages in general in past generations, made it more acceptable within Christian circles to start dating early, or at least earlier than it is now. Were kids more mature back then? I honestly don't know. Certainly in a more agrarian society kids were forced to carry more responsibility at an earlier age. Some of the strongest advocates of courtship these days would encourage it earlier than the norm for their children whom they've trained to be ready for marriage whenever God provides a suitable spouse.

In covering the first question regarding age, I've somewhat addressed the second regarding the purpose of dating, whether it should be only with marriage in view or otherwise. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that for the Christian family, it's not an either or but a both and. I think the starting point is this. If a Christian desires to date, that's an indication that God has put it in their heart to also desire marriage in the future. For those with whom this never works out after one or more relationships, they may discern God's will for them is to be single. For everyone else, they go through a process of discerning God's will in terms of who their life mate will be as they get to know the person they're dating more and more, and learn more about themselves as well. If they're really young, their purpose in dating should be to mature as a person and allow God to shape them into the person He wants them to be for their future mate. It should not be to make them feel good about themselves, although they will probably find this to be difficult. They may end up marrying the person they're dating, but not likely given all the steps that lie before them as they progress toward adulthood.

The third question then is courtship vs. independent dating. There may be different definitions of courtship, but let's just use the old school one of being chaperoned at first and having the expectation of possible or even probable marriage. I think the conclusion that I'm coming to is that a combination of both independent dating and family involvement is necessary for healthy relationships to exist in young couples. So I would definitely reject the Amish model! Parents need to give their children permission and limits when they're still under their authority, just as with everything else. At the same time, I think children need to be given a certain amount of independence and freedom when the parents deem them mature enough to have it, and if they get hurt, they get hurt. God will bring good out of it either way. Hopefully they'll have the assurance of their parents' love and view them as their first "fallback" if something really painful happens. If it becomes obvious to the parents that the relationship isn't going to be a healthy one, they may have to exercise tough love, but again, that's part of the way God will bring good into the situation.

On the positive side, if dating someone is going well, then hopefully there will be freedom on both sides for parents and kids to relate to one another and get to know and care for each other. This doesn't mean the daters are pressured to make decisions about how far the relationship should go, just because they've "met the parents." Think about it. Normally if Christian children develop long term friendships while still at home, involved parents get to know those friends and sometimes their families. The ideal would be for Christian students who go to college to continue a close relationship with their parents and if they enter into a dating relationship, to give at least a little information about who they're dating and how things are going. Parents need to not stifle their children at this age, regarding any decisions being made, but at the same time, wise children will continue to honor their parents' wisdom. Parents need to realize that their children are changing (hopefully for the better!), and not caution them too much based on the way they were as little kids. Rather, they can encourage the strengths they've always seen in them and support them in finding the person God provides for them.

So, no - age is not the main determinant. Yes - marriage should be the goal in dating, but not necessarily with each particular person that is dated; i.e. the young person should be seeking for God to make them ready for marriage whether it be with the one they are currently seeing or not. And yes and no, parents should be actively involved while children are under their authority, while at the same time giving more and more freedom until the child is no longer accountable to them; children should keep in touch, realizing that if they do marry, their mate will be a part of their extended family if they are to have a God-honoring marriage.

To Write or Not to Write

I just came across something online which featured a well known scholar saying that publishing via the web has multiplied his readership way beyond what it originally would have been. He said not many will pay the full price for a book when there are cheaper means available. Through building a website, he was gaining readers from what appeared to be his own publishing house.

When I was younger, being a writer meant something. It was only done by an elite few and much status came with it. Today, it seems ordinary, even for those who've published "real" books. Someone recently asked me if I'd ever considered writing as a career. It happened to be someone I greatly respect who has his doctorate and is becoming fairly well known in his field of expertise (not my husband, although that description applies to him as well).

I've never given "real" writing much thought, but after some of the reading I've done, I've definitely thought I could do it as well if not better than others. This is not to brag, only to make the point that standards for authorship are decreasing. I guess real bonafide publishers are getting desperate with all the readers they're losing to cyberspace.

I suppose the main reason I haven't even given it a first attempt is that I don't have a topic that I feel I could write about well. There doesn't seem to be anything original I could contribute to the wealth of literature available. Ecclesiastes makes the point that everything under the sun has been done already.

I wonder if that's the case for something I was musing with my husband about the other day. I was speculating about the length of time it takes to text compared to speaking in person. He said I should do a study and get my doctorate in communications. Maybe I should. After all, I was able to edit HIS dissertation without knowing anything about what he was writing about, and he received feedback that it was one of the best written dissertations in the field. Mind you, this was economics, where good writing isn't the main focus. I also read through his two hard cover publications in which he was chief editor. I made it more readable for all of the 50 or so people who ended up reading it.

Well, I may be bordering on bragging now and I can make no excuse. That's one of the reasons I shouldn't write. I also have a tendency to be sarcastic and sassy. A high school teacher liked one of the assignments I did that had sarcastic humor in it. I guess it's a gift. But not one I should be proud of. So for the time being, I'll keep my typewriter tucked away on the shelf.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Note: after writing this I started reading the next chapter and Francis addressed the issue I wrote about: I've included a quote at the end.

I've been reading this book on my Kindle. The main theme is that because God is so big and awesome, we should be motivated to move out into the world and serve Him in radical ways. Once again, an author rails on the church for not doing its job.

Well, not the churches I know. So I guess in my case he's preaching to the choir. The churches I know are actively involved in serving in so many ways, spanning crisis pregnancy/pro-life/adoption to buying a well for Africa to helping the poor in New York City and Chicago to sending missionaries to every continent. Individuals within the church are actively supporting and serving in many ways themselves.

The truth is, we can always do better. There's no excuse for sitting around trying to build up our own castles. We should always be looking for more radical ways to serve to the point of suffering, and not shrink back. But let's not blame the church as a whole and make everyone feel guilty. Let's build one another up and as Paul does in his letters, encourage believers to press on, grow, and glorify God more and more.

I'm not saying I don't like this book in general, just not the blaming part. We need church leaders to motivate us and I think Francis has a lot of good things to say that do just that. So would I recommend this book? Of course. It's solid truth in terms of who God is and what we're called to do in light of the gospel. Hey, I like this guy. Who can't help but be drawn to a younger more hipsterish preacher who's a surfer and takes a radical step by leaving a huge congregation and starting a new ministry to the poor in LA? So don't avoid the book based on this post; read it for yourself and see what you think.



In the chapter following his challenge to the church, Francis quotes John Piper and then says "My fear in writing the previous chapter is that it only evokes in you fear and guilt. Personal experience has taught me that actions driven by fear and guilt are not an antidote to lukewarm, selfish, comfortable living. I hope you realize instead that the answer is love."

Severe/profound language expressive and receptive disorder

This was the bottom line evaluation of the speech pathologist at Unit 5 for Samantha. But let me clarify a little. Samantha is doing okay in school, is functional in all areas as long as she has visual props (i.e. doing math w/ numerals in front of her). In all the other Unit 5 testing that was given by two other professionals, she fell w/in the average range overall, but had very low scores for tasks that required listening w/o visuals. She also had problems with memory, but not enough to affect her overall performance. She would have been deemed ineligible for services based on that, but the speech pathology results moved her into being significantly at risk. Interestingly, the other tests were based on grade level, and the speech test was based on age.

This could have been caught earlier when she was at Easter Seals for sensory processing therapy. She was tested at four years of age by a green employee and passed, much to my shock. I knew Samantha couldn't understand or communicate well, but the testing didn't render her eligible for help. So I was left to try my best to fill in the gaps I knew were there.

The meeting was on Wednesday, and then yesterday I got her report card. They don't do grade reporting yet, just Excellent, Satisfactory, etc. She's starting to drop, so although she could have been getting help before, I'm thankful that at this crucial time before third grade things are in motion for her to get extra help at school. Along with the pull-outs for reading and phonics, they'll be adding speech. She'll also get a small amount of help from Unit 5, but most of it will come from Trinity's speech teacher along w/ an IEP for the classroom.

All that said, we still need to go deeper and have her tested for auditory processing. If we find she has a disorder for that, we will likely seek help outside the school so she can function better in all of life. However, being the smart cookie that she is, when she can't think of a word, she works really hard to explain herself w/ other language. She also asks what things mean when she's confused. So I'm pleased that she's making efforts to compensate on her own; this is huge and shows that she has amazing potential. She just has to get beyond being shy with others. At home, she compensates, but for the most part doesn't do that in other settings.

bulging disc (again)

I saw a pain specialist today that works w/ some of the best neurosurgeons in the state, from the research I did. He looked at my MRI and said even tho the bulging disc is minimal he feels it's the main source of my pain. I have an injection scheduled for next Friday. He says it should give lasting relief. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but it sounds very promising. The doctor said the SI joint is likely only causing around 20 percent if any of my trouble, but the injection will address that too if it's part of the problem.

This is the first time a medical doctor has looked at my MRI and acknowledged a bulging disc. I've had two out of three chiropractors mention it, one of which thought it was the source of my pain. That was the guy in Peoria who told me he couldn't treat me b/c of the travel. My current chiropractor saw it but didn't think it was the main source of my pain, altho his adjustments have helped me somewhat.

It was perfect....

Perfection always eludes me. It eludes everyone. And yet some of us strive for it anyway. So yesterday I was trying to create perfection from chaos. Boxes, decorations everywhere, and an eight year old who wanted to be a part of the action. Then a message asking if we could host a group tonight. Oh no!!! But extra motivation to get it done. And I did, or almost - I was so close. In the meantime I found out the group was going to be canceled due to weather.

Let me back up a bit. Last week I asked Dave to bring up just one box of decorations so I could get started. Unfortunately, that box contained mostly tree stuff and I didn't have the tree. But it also had the candles I put in the windows, so I decided I'd get them ready, along with the wreaths and porch stuff from the garage. When I opened the box with the candles, I noticed I had two packs of unopened replacement bulbs, so apparently last year one blew out and I went ahead and got packs for this year. When I tried to screw the one I needed in, it didn't fit. Being the lazy bum that I am, I didn't want to make a special trip to get bulbs from a department store so I "settled" for something I found at the grocery store that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. What I actually got was much more expensive, but these bulbs were Tim Taylor approved, grunt, grunt, grunt. They were daylight bulbs, extra bright. Since I've had trouble w/ dim bulbs in the past, it seemed like a good idea to get them. They came in packs of two, so since I have six windows, I got three packs. I didn't want to buy extras because they cost so much, but I figured they'd last and I'd get my money's worth.

You can probably see where this is leading, but stick with me. Getting back to yesterday. The candles were all set in the windows, and Dave brought up the tree and other boxes. After all the chaos and sorting and rearranging, everything was perfect. There was just one thing I had to check. How did those extra bright bulbs look from the outside now that the tree was in place? Well, they looked fine, but I decided to reposition the ones in the front window to show off the tree a little more. They're held up by suction cups, and I made sure they were stuck on tight. After I got them in place, I went back outside to check and "voila" it was perfect.

About an hour later, we were eating dinner. I heard a noise. I thought maybe one of the candles dropped off the window, and sure enough, it had. Well, no problem, I'll just put it up again and hope it holds. WHAT???!!! I turn it on and pop goes the bulb. Perfection lost. Now I'm faced w/ a dilemma. Do I go get more expensive bulbs or do I go to the basement, dig through boxes, and get out old ones and have uneven light (if I can even access the basement ones at all). Right now, I don't care. I've had enough of perfection. I may end up doing neither.

Send Me, Lord

I feel like I could burst. I have a sense of urgency I've not experienced in a long time, if ever. Orphan Sunday is next week, and I'm coordinating it. Yesterday, a guest speaker from Compassion Int'l came to our church; he was a Compassion child that is now a pastor, and he spoke to us about the plight of the poor and the plentiful harvest of children. This past weekend, I talked w/ two moms who've adopted special needs children at an event for Katrina's school. Also, in my women's Bible Study we've been studying 2 Thes. 1:1-12 in which Paul encourages the believers to persevere in trial and prays for them to be worthy in light of the Lord's coming and wrath to come. In two weeks, we're having a Concert of Prayer for the persecuted church and orphans at our church.

Yesterday the speaker said that if every American Christian spent two weeks with the poor every year, hearts would change. Of course my first response is to want to pack up and go, but for now I know that's not realistic, although I hope there will come a day. In the meantime, I want to spend more time learning, praying, and assisting. I'm longing to be open to whatever opportunities the Lord presents.

Closure Day, Oct. 11, 2010

We arrived in Memphis just before midnight last night. So many memories just approaching the river. On our right, the first sight was the Kroger where we shopped for groceries. Every week St. Jude gave us $80 to spend! Next was the Applebee's where Dave and I went on a date when our friends the Throops offered to stay at Ronald McDonald House w/ Ethan and Samantha. Our only private time in about two months. Thank you friends! Next was the Walgreen's where I desperately waited a half hour while Samantha screamed w/ tiredness and an ear infection. I had to wait for insurance to kick in (or something). My very practical Katrina suggested I turn on a movie for Samantha since we had the player in the car. Whew. And finally, on the left, the Red Roof Inn where we stayed when our family exceeded four, the limit for accommodations at St. Jude.

Just on that short 1/4 mile stretch, the heaviness of it all touched me, as it always does, and maybe always will. There's so much sadness mixed w/ hope at St. Jude. It's an amazing place. You never know quite how to feel; sad for the situation, happy for the care you get, sad for those who've lost the battle, happy for those who've won, hopeful for those who are still fighting. A community of people - patients, caregivers, personnel; even though the travel is difficult for me I HAD to be here today. For so many reasons. There I go, I'm crying. It's just so emotional. But I need to hurry up and finish because I don't want to miss a single minute of this important day.

So anyway, after that little stretch, we crossed the bridge. Crossing the bridge is always when the first night seems so real. Feb. 17 '08 - actually it was early morning, 5 AM. Such a long drive to get there. Ethan was flown down and Dave, Samantha and I drove. That's a whole different story, an amazing one which Dave and I shared w/ Ethan as we traveled yesterday. But back to that first night and the memories it holds: where in the world are we? What's our son doing lying in a hospital bed 7 hours from home? This place we've heard of since childhood that Danny Thomas founded. That's where the really sick kids go. Our son HERE??!!!

And finally, after the bridge, as we approached St. Jude, there it was, Ronald McDonald House. Our home for two months. What a place. Today I plan to go there to see Ethan's handprint on the wall in person. I haven't been here since winter or spring of '09 if I'm remembering right. The travel's been too hard for me. But I made it! And I'm ready to do all I need today to say good-bye to this chapter of our lives.