Sleep Therapy

The amount of sleep I got in late August through the middle of October might be compared to that of someone recovering from surgery or illness. I was falling asleep in the evening by nine, waking up at 6:30 and sleeping a full hour in the afternoon. I only woke up from the naps because of setting my alarm and needing to be somewhere - I'm sure I could have slept another hour given the luxury.

I've always needed around 7 or 8 hours at night, w/ about a 20 minute catnap in the afternoon after having kids. But these past two months were different - more sleep than I've ever had as an adult. I speak in past tense because my body isn't requiring that amount at this point. This only started happening after Samantha went to school; I had already been taking all my meds for awhile so it wasn't linked to side effects from them. Rather, when the demands of life finally lessened, my body started to shut down.

I think I've finally slept off the stress of years of daily struggle with Samantha, being uprooted from routine and having a very sick son, and my own illness and lack of ability to function.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just take a pill that gave your body all it receives naturally from sleep? Or (if you're familiar w/ Trekkie terms) wouldn't it be cool to just step into a Borg rejuvenating unit?

As I think about this two things come to mind. God created sleep to restore what we use up. It's like economics. Limited resources. What gets used needs to be replaced. Sometimes we use up way more than we can replace, our circumstances push us past our limits. In those times we have no choice but to persevere and hope the day will come when we can regain some balance.

The other thing is that God never slumbers or sleeps. His energy never runs out. We can take comfort in knowing His resources are always available to us, no matter what situation we face. Years of stress take their toll, and sleep won't always fix it, nor does sleep come easily in some cases, but there is always hope if we remember God will supply what we don't have.

Ramblings

I feel like writing but don't know if I have anything to say. This morning someone encouraged me to get as much joy out of life as possible, even w/ the daily ongoing physical struggle. This wasn't an insensitive comment, it came from a woman using a cane. So one of the things I take pleasure in is writing, even if I have nothing to say.

I could pontificate about the larger topics of this life, give my opinion on Obama and the Nobel award, or something of that sort. I could share details about my family's life which would probably bore most of you because we're all living it on some level and it isn't really news. I could tell a silly story about my childhood but could never measure up to my dad's skill in that department.

Why don't I just focus on the now? Right at this moment, Dave is tickling Samantha downstairs. She gets very loud when he tickles. I get very irritated by loud noise so that's why I'm upstairs. It's actually quite therapeutic for her w/ her sensory processing dysfunction, so it's not only just good dad/daughter time. Now she got her feelings hurt by something that happened and is up here w/ me bouncing my exercise ball. I'm getting tired of writing about nothing so I'm going to sign off and get us some dinner. Our kids are at youth group dinner so we just fend for ourselves on Sunday nights. Of course I have to fend for Samantha too. Frozen nuggets, here I come.

Progress!

I am finally getting sustained relief from my symptoms. I can attribute it to many factors:

1. I don't have as many physical demands w/ Samantha in school all day.
2. I have a combination of medications that seem to be working w/ few side effects.
3. I am sleeping a lot. I go to bed around 9:30 and take a good nap each day.
4. I am working out on the circuit equipment 3x a week and walking 3x a week. The circuit exercises are designed to strengthen my core muscles in my pelvis so my SI joint doesn't go out of position.
5. I have adjusted the seat in my car and this has made a huge difference. I kept trying different lumbar cushions which helped some but not enough. Finally I decided to raise the seat higher and this put my back, hips, and leg in the optimum position for comfort.

I want to thank the Lord for helping me re-establish a little more "normalcy" and giving me grace to endure the lack of it. I also want to thank my family for all their support and love.

The Vicious Cycle of Physical and Emotional Pain

In the magazine "Neurology Now" there was a recent article about CRPS - Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, a condition in which nerves go crazy following an injury. You may have heard of it, esp. in relation to the ketamine coma, an extreme treatment administered in other countries. Some patients revert to this when there is no relief for nonstop extreme pain - they've tried everything from acupuncture to high doses of medications. In many cases,they decide to go through with this risky procedure as an alternative to suicide.

The main thing that caught my attention from the article was its wholistic approach to pain management. It pointed out that basically three factors are involved when someone experiences ongoing pain - the underlying causes of the pain, the pain itself, and the emotional affect it has on the patient. All three need to be treated.

I know this to be very true from my own comparatively minor daily struggle w/ discomfort. I call it that because it doesn't really hurt, it just nags at me, sort of like a sore stiff muscle or back ache. Right now as I'm writing this, I'm feeling pain in my backside, to put it delicately. I'm going to try adjusting my position which I do umpteen times a day to try to make it go away. (Editing note, after I finished this entry my discomfort was gone.)

There is a cycle that accompanies all this - the pain or discomfort creates emotional anxiety which then tenses the muscles which then leads to further pain. Of course the main thing to target is the underlying source of the pain, but that gets tricky for some of us folks. My physical therapist tells me repeatedly that I've got some of the most unusual symptoms she's ever seen. How does that make me feel? Good on the one hand, that I'm not going crazy, and terrible on the other, because it's harder to overcome. I have a hip rotation, SI joint displacement, one leg shorter than the other, and mild arthritis in my back (L1 and L2). Not an easy problem to fix.

Getting back to the article, the three things that need to be treated are the underlying source of the pain, the pain itself, and the emotional suffering. The author recommended targeting the initial injury area w/ physical therapy or some type of orthopedic related treatment, being under the care of a doctor who can help you choose appropriate medications to block pain and minimize anxiety or depression, and in some cases seeking psychological help.

If I'm understanding my body correctly, my vicious cycle goes something like this - first the discomfort/pain, then the anxiety and muscle tension accompanied by emotional distress, and finally twitching. I'm still under the care of a neurologist and am slowly weaning off of visits w/ the physical therapist while following her plan for restrictions/exercise. If needed I can go back to my orthopedic specialist and get more injections to the problem site. I take four prescribed medications, all of which are targeting the nervous and muscular systems. Fortunately, some of these also help w/ anxiety. I also take vitamins/supplements, some "prescribed" by my neurologist and others of my own choosing. I'm popping lots of pills!

When or if my SI joint stablizes (which is very unpredictable according to my physical therapist), I would like to try pain free living techniques that I've heard about. Right now those things could worsen my condition.

One last note, a secular medical article is often on target spiritually without knowing it, because it addresses the idea of wholistic health, pointing to the fact that we are God's creation. I like to remind myself that I'm here to glorify my maker, and my body is His temple, no matter how healthy. I should continually be striving for the best health possible, while at the same time accepting each difficult situation, knowing either way I'm an instrument to bring glory to His name.

The Big Picture with Samantha

As I was out walking this morning I had time to reflect on the bigger picture of the last week w/ Samantha struggling to adapt to first grade. The adjustment has been harder than we thought since she did fine with two years of preschool/preK and one year of kindergarten. This school day is much longer and harder and she's feeling it big time. As a home schooler, I struggle w/ whether it's healthier for her to be home w/ me; in the past I was convinced her being away at school was the best thing for her her well-being overall. With her sensory processing dysfunction, she found it extremely difficult to "just be a kid" at home and was demanding, out of sorts, and more needy in general. At school she was well-adjusted, happy to be with her peers, and enjoyed the routine. It gave her a place to not feel threatened by authority and feeling the need to compete with older siblings. We always felt that a neighborhood friend would have made a tremendous difference with our issues at home, but God didn't provide that for us so we've had to manage the best we could.

So the big picture - the positives of this experience of separation anxiety and "forced labor" in the classroom.

First, God is affirming that Samantha has truly attached to me as an adoptive child should. I have not really questioned this before since I felt her behavior issues were from her sensory problems, not lack of attachment. But as a parent it's always nice to have concrete evidence that when your child is in crisis they want you. Even my 17 yr old son demonstrated this when he first had leukemia. He was more open to touch, holding his hand, etc. than a boy naturally would be with his mother at that age. Samantha has expressed a lot of missing me, wanting me, and coming to me for comfort in the midst of all this. She's been waking up early and wanting me. She demands I put her to bed instead of Dave. All signs of "regressing" in a sense but normal for a child in pain.

Second, I have become more convinced that my age is a great comfort to Samantha. As I think about it, all the authority figures in her life have been mid-age women, including her foster mom in China. Her pre-school teachers are either my age or older. Her kindergarten teacher is probably in her fifties. Guess what, her 1st grade teacher is in what I'm guessing to be her late twenties. Samantha says she seems like a "sister" to her, meaning she's uncomfortable with how young she is. This has been strangely helpful to me and my role with Samantha because I've sometimes felt like I'm too old for her. I'm going to be in my sixties when she graduates high school. I've wondered if she views me as a grandma, not a mom. Her birth mom is probably much younger than me. Now I know she feels safe with an old hag like me (chuckle, chuckle). That's a good and positive thing.

Third, I'm seeing more evidence that Samantha's overall needs for growth and development require outside help. We can't do it ourselves. She and I have too volatile of a relationship, and our family situation and my health have put so much pressure on us that I don't want school work to become another source of contention. She literally demands to do things her own way when I attempt to work with her, writing things in reverse order, picking and choosing which part of the lesson she's willing to work on, reading only certain books that appeal to her (which is very confusing why she rejects so many), etc. But in one week's time, I've been amazed with the productivity I'm seeing coming home in her backpack. And since the example's been set at school, she then willingly does her homework, following the instructions! Sometimes I misunderstand the instructions and she makes sure to clarify what she's supposed to be doing!

Samantha has always struggled with hard work, be it small motor, large motor, potty training, picking up toys, etc. We've given her seven years to learn how to be a normal kid and tried to accommodate her as much as possible. But she needs to grow up. We'll still "baby" her at home as much as she needs, but she needs the balance of moving on in life. We know she's got it in her! She just doesn't know it, but she'll get it in time.

Things I've taken for granted

The human body is an amazing creation. Sometimes we don't really grasp that till we lose something we've always had. Many people my age are familiar with some level of pain from injury, disease, or simply getting older. Others are fortunate enough to not have any major health issues.

Before reaching my mid-forties, the only experience I had with real discomfort was in bearing and delivering my three birth children. I was virtually accident and illness free through my adulthood.

Now I know how much I've taken for granted. I've alluded to some of my limitations in earlier posts and would like to give you some more specific examples. My hope is that there will come a day in the not too distant future when I read this and am thankful I'm not experiencing these things on a daily basis anymore.

-I can't comfortably read a book to Samantha because it involves sitting next to her; couches aggravate my pain.
-I struggle to help Samantha clean up her messes because it involves a lot of awkward bending or twisting.
-I can't drive or ride in a car for very long without feeling pain in my lower left back.
-I can't push a grocery cart unless it's perfectly balanced and even. I've had to change carts several times after getting into the store. I can't accumulate too many groceries at once or I have trouble.
-I can't sit very long in the family room to watch TV because I have to turn my neck and it messes up my alignment. We have a TV in our bedroom also but I can't see it very well because it's farther away.
-I can't lift a full basket of laundry and carry it w/o aggravating my condition.
-I can't pick up Samantha or anything heavy.
-I can't go w/o shoes while walking/standing or my pain increases.
-I can't vacuum or clean bathrooms.
-I can't climb flights of stairs too often in a day.
-I can't do yard work or gardening.
-I can't do cardio exercise except mild walking. Even being in a pool is difficult.
-I can't sit at a booth in a restaurant without hurting. Straight chairs are the best.
- I have great difficulty keeping my legs and feet well groomed.

Okay enough examples. I can still cook. I can still run errands. I can still type. I can still attend church (with my pillow). I can still read and have my devotions. I can still do paperwork and laundry. And many other things too.

When am I totally pain-free? When I'm sleeping. When I wake up in the morning, I'm "cured." For about 15 minutes or so. Then the cycle starts all over again. When (not if) I get better, I'll never never take the small things of life for granted again.

The princess and the pea

I, the princess, have finally found a comfortable position. First, some background. When I first started having leg trouble, I couldn't function on my feet but was fine sitting. Then, when I started PT and got an injection, I started getting better on my feet but couldn't get comfortable sitting.

And thus my search for a comfortable position began. First of all, my therapist recommended a lumbar seat cushion. I tried hers out for a week and then bought four of them. Yup, four. One is on my dinette chair, one is in my car, one is upstairs in my bedroom, and the other one that I thought I'd use somewhere ended up being on Samantha's dinette chair.

But the real purpose of this post is to tell you about my recliner which I searched high and low for. It all started when we went to Sam's and they had this incredible deal on a sofa/recliner set. I sat on the sofa and reclined it and vuaola! it suited me to a T. It had a continuous leg rest that connected to the chair and put my legs in a downward slope. Very comfortable. Right price, wrong color. Would have had to redo the whole family room, maybe even curtains. So no go on that one. Started checking out other furniture stores for similar item, and of course the price was way more, I mean WAY more than I wanted to spend. Besides, most of the sofas and recliners were HUGE. It's all about theater seating these days. So no go on that stuff. Finally off I traipsed to Lazy Boy. Oh yes, they had sofas and recliners of all shapes and sizes, anything anyone could want. So I found a recliner that fit me perfectly, ordered it, and upon getting it home realized it was too dark, even tho it was "neutral." You know me, not acceptable. So returned that and gave up for awhile. Then on a whim one day, I decided to go back to Sofamart because the first time I looked I was looking at sofas and not chairs. Well I found a really "cheap" chair that had a nice firm cushion, fit me beautifully, and came in the color I needed.

You're wishing the story ends here but unfortunately it doesn't. When I got the chair home, I thought it strange that I hadn't noticed it was a rocker recliner. That was problem #1. Problem #2 was that my feet didn't touch the floor like they did in the store! Ugh. Finally, when I reclined it (which I don't think I tested in the store), it put my legs in an upward slant, not straight or downward which I really wanted. Sooooooo, in order to get my feet to touch the floor, I ordered yet ANOTHER cushion for my back, but since I was ordering online I got two different ones, not knowing which would work. Of course, neither one really worked too great, one was too cushy and the other was too hard. Oh yes, princess and the pea. But you HAVE to understand this is not just comfort, this is just wanting to be free of blasted pain, either in my leg or up in my SI joint/lower back.

Yada, yada, yada went thru numerous combinations of cushion positions, non-reclined, reclined and still didn't feel settled. But at last I think I've found it (I've had this chair for about six months?) - I'm sitting here reclined but not fully reclined, with the cushy cushion under my knees, making the recliner "feel" like it has a continuous leg rest, what I wanted in the first place.

Are you totally confused? Or at least a little amused? Did you make it this far? Do you think I've totally gone bonkers? Maybe so but at least I'm in no pain! Through typing this whole long crazy story.