I've been struggling with lack of faith regarding a current situation involving Samantha's language and auditory processing disorders. It's hard for me to trust God to help her overcome these obstacles, even though I've taken extra steps to get her help. Starting today, she's going to do an intense language/processing program at a local speech center. Next Monday she'll also be starting a special reading program at ISU.
My struggle is more one of inadequacy on my part, that I'm just not the kind of mother to give her support for the challenges she faces. It's been an emotional time for me, taking her to appointments and such; I see how far she has to go more clearly now than ever before, along with knowing how frustrated she becomes with things that don't come easily to her. My mother's heart wants to say, "Just leave the poor kid alone, she's been through enough." But I'm conflicted too because my mother's heart also wants to help her achieve her maximum potential. The missing element is a foundational trust in God that He can bring about changes that are real and lasting. Samantha has made slow progress in almost all areas of development, and then slipped back into lower levels.
As I read my summer Bible Study book this morning about Martha and her struggle of faith when Lazarus died, I could relate. Jesus has the power to do anything, but we only see things as they are and even though we hope He'll use His power to make things different, we don't really expect it.
One thing that hit me earlier this week is that when Ethan had leukemia, I made sure every detail was being attended to, not only with his health but with his schooling. If there was a problem that came up, I immediately contacted the doctor or teacher and dealt with it. I made sure to remind doctors of details they forgot. I was driven to ride things out till Ethan was fully restored. With Samantha I don't have that same drive; I resist jumping through hoops that might give her potential for change. In parenting I've worked really hard at accepting who she is rather than trying to make her something she's not. But this has left me virtually crippled to pursue the help she needs and hope for substantial change. May God give me the same drive, based on a faith that He's put her in this family for a reason and has great plans for her.