Dating

Should an age be established that is acceptable for a Christian young person to date? Should someone avoid dating till they are seriously considering marriage? Should independent dating or courtship with parental supervision be practiced?

Over the years I've pondered this question. I've had a hard time with the "they're too young" argument, mainly because some of the best marriages I know, including my godly maternal grandma's, were started at a fairly early age (my grandma was married at 16). It just so happens that my grandfather was formerly Amish, and it just so happens that the Amish, whom we regard as about the most conservative of all, have a pretty "loose" policy when it comes to dating. They allow their children to see each other in private, at night, normally in courting buggies. Of course they have been instructed how to properly behave, but nonetheless the possibility of indiscretion is there. No one, not even their parents, know they are dating until they announce their intentions to be married at a church service. Marriage soon follows. If they stop seeing each other, no one (supposedly) knows they were ever a couple.

Along with my grandparents, my husband's sister was married at sixteen, her daughter was married at seventeen, one of my brothers started dating his bride around 17, and my close friend and roommate from college starting dating her future husband at around age 15, give or take. All of these couples are very happily married today.

Culture plays a significant factor. The Amish culture, along with earlier marrying ages in general in past generations, made it more acceptable within Christian circles to start dating early, or at least earlier than it is now. Were kids more mature back then? I honestly don't know. Certainly in a more agrarian society kids were forced to carry more responsibility at an earlier age. Some of the strongest advocates of courtship these days would encourage it earlier than the norm for their children whom they've trained to be ready for marriage whenever God provides a suitable spouse.

In covering the first question regarding age, I've somewhat addressed the second regarding the purpose of dating, whether it should be only with marriage in view or otherwise. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that for the Christian family, it's not an either or but a both and. I think the starting point is this. If a Christian desires to date, that's an indication that God has put it in their heart to also desire marriage in the future. For those with whom this never works out after one or more relationships, they may discern God's will for them is to be single. For everyone else, they go through a process of discerning God's will in terms of who their life mate will be as they get to know the person they're dating more and more, and learn more about themselves as well. If they're really young, their purpose in dating should be to mature as a person and allow God to shape them into the person He wants them to be for their future mate. It should not be to make them feel good about themselves, although they will probably find this to be difficult. They may end up marrying the person they're dating, but not likely given all the steps that lie before them as they progress toward adulthood.

The third question then is courtship vs. independent dating. There may be different definitions of courtship, but let's just use the old school one of being chaperoned at first and having the expectation of possible or even probable marriage. I think the conclusion that I'm coming to is that a combination of both independent dating and family involvement is necessary for healthy relationships to exist in young couples. So I would definitely reject the Amish model! Parents need to give their children permission and limits when they're still under their authority, just as with everything else. At the same time, I think children need to be given a certain amount of independence and freedom when the parents deem them mature enough to have it, and if they get hurt, they get hurt. God will bring good out of it either way. Hopefully they'll have the assurance of their parents' love and view them as their first "fallback" if something really painful happens. If it becomes obvious to the parents that the relationship isn't going to be a healthy one, they may have to exercise tough love, but again, that's part of the way God will bring good into the situation.

On the positive side, if dating someone is going well, then hopefully there will be freedom on both sides for parents and kids to relate to one another and get to know and care for each other. This doesn't mean the daters are pressured to make decisions about how far the relationship should go, just because they've "met the parents." Think about it. Normally if Christian children develop long term friendships while still at home, involved parents get to know those friends and sometimes their families. The ideal would be for Christian students who go to college to continue a close relationship with their parents and if they enter into a dating relationship, to give at least a little information about who they're dating and how things are going. Parents need to not stifle their children at this age, regarding any decisions being made, but at the same time, wise children will continue to honor their parents' wisdom. Parents need to realize that their children are changing (hopefully for the better!), and not caution them too much based on the way they were as little kids. Rather, they can encourage the strengths they've always seen in them and support them in finding the person God provides for them.

So, no - age is not the main determinant. Yes - marriage should be the goal in dating, but not necessarily with each particular person that is dated; i.e. the young person should be seeking for God to make them ready for marriage whether it be with the one they are currently seeing or not. And yes and no, parents should be actively involved while children are under their authority, while at the same time giving more and more freedom until the child is no longer accountable to them; children should keep in touch, realizing that if they do marry, their mate will be a part of their extended family if they are to have a God-honoring marriage.

To Write or Not to Write

I just came across something online which featured a well known scholar saying that publishing via the web has multiplied his readership way beyond what it originally would have been. He said not many will pay the full price for a book when there are cheaper means available. Through building a website, he was gaining readers from what appeared to be his own publishing house.

When I was younger, being a writer meant something. It was only done by an elite few and much status came with it. Today, it seems ordinary, even for those who've published "real" books. Someone recently asked me if I'd ever considered writing as a career. It happened to be someone I greatly respect who has his doctorate and is becoming fairly well known in his field of expertise (not my husband, although that description applies to him as well).

I've never given "real" writing much thought, but after some of the reading I've done, I've definitely thought I could do it as well if not better than others. This is not to brag, only to make the point that standards for authorship are decreasing. I guess real bonafide publishers are getting desperate with all the readers they're losing to cyberspace.

I suppose the main reason I haven't even given it a first attempt is that I don't have a topic that I feel I could write about well. There doesn't seem to be anything original I could contribute to the wealth of literature available. Ecclesiastes makes the point that everything under the sun has been done already.

I wonder if that's the case for something I was musing with my husband about the other day. I was speculating about the length of time it takes to text compared to speaking in person. He said I should do a study and get my doctorate in communications. Maybe I should. After all, I was able to edit HIS dissertation without knowing anything about what he was writing about, and he received feedback that it was one of the best written dissertations in the field. Mind you, this was economics, where good writing isn't the main focus. I also read through his two hard cover publications in which he was chief editor. I made it more readable for all of the 50 or so people who ended up reading it.

Well, I may be bordering on bragging now and I can make no excuse. That's one of the reasons I shouldn't write. I also have a tendency to be sarcastic and sassy. A high school teacher liked one of the assignments I did that had sarcastic humor in it. I guess it's a gift. But not one I should be proud of. So for the time being, I'll keep my typewriter tucked away on the shelf.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Note: after writing this I started reading the next chapter and Francis addressed the issue I wrote about: I've included a quote at the end.

I've been reading this book on my Kindle. The main theme is that because God is so big and awesome, we should be motivated to move out into the world and serve Him in radical ways. Once again, an author rails on the church for not doing its job.

Well, not the churches I know. So I guess in my case he's preaching to the choir. The churches I know are actively involved in serving in so many ways, spanning crisis pregnancy/pro-life/adoption to buying a well for Africa to helping the poor in New York City and Chicago to sending missionaries to every continent. Individuals within the church are actively supporting and serving in many ways themselves.

The truth is, we can always do better. There's no excuse for sitting around trying to build up our own castles. We should always be looking for more radical ways to serve to the point of suffering, and not shrink back. But let's not blame the church as a whole and make everyone feel guilty. Let's build one another up and as Paul does in his letters, encourage believers to press on, grow, and glorify God more and more.

I'm not saying I don't like this book in general, just not the blaming part. We need church leaders to motivate us and I think Francis has a lot of good things to say that do just that. So would I recommend this book? Of course. It's solid truth in terms of who God is and what we're called to do in light of the gospel. Hey, I like this guy. Who can't help but be drawn to a younger more hipsterish preacher who's a surfer and takes a radical step by leaving a huge congregation and starting a new ministry to the poor in LA? So don't avoid the book based on this post; read it for yourself and see what you think.



In the chapter following his challenge to the church, Francis quotes John Piper and then says "My fear in writing the previous chapter is that it only evokes in you fear and guilt. Personal experience has taught me that actions driven by fear and guilt are not an antidote to lukewarm, selfish, comfortable living. I hope you realize instead that the answer is love."

Severe/profound language expressive and receptive disorder

This was the bottom line evaluation of the speech pathologist at Unit 5 for Samantha. But let me clarify a little. Samantha is doing okay in school, is functional in all areas as long as she has visual props (i.e. doing math w/ numerals in front of her). In all the other Unit 5 testing that was given by two other professionals, she fell w/in the average range overall, but had very low scores for tasks that required listening w/o visuals. She also had problems with memory, but not enough to affect her overall performance. She would have been deemed ineligible for services based on that, but the speech pathology results moved her into being significantly at risk. Interestingly, the other tests were based on grade level, and the speech test was based on age.

This could have been caught earlier when she was at Easter Seals for sensory processing therapy. She was tested at four years of age by a green employee and passed, much to my shock. I knew Samantha couldn't understand or communicate well, but the testing didn't render her eligible for help. So I was left to try my best to fill in the gaps I knew were there.

The meeting was on Wednesday, and then yesterday I got her report card. They don't do grade reporting yet, just Excellent, Satisfactory, etc. She's starting to drop, so although she could have been getting help before, I'm thankful that at this crucial time before third grade things are in motion for her to get extra help at school. Along with the pull-outs for reading and phonics, they'll be adding speech. She'll also get a small amount of help from Unit 5, but most of it will come from Trinity's speech teacher along w/ an IEP for the classroom.

All that said, we still need to go deeper and have her tested for auditory processing. If we find she has a disorder for that, we will likely seek help outside the school so she can function better in all of life. However, being the smart cookie that she is, when she can't think of a word, she works really hard to explain herself w/ other language. She also asks what things mean when she's confused. So I'm pleased that she's making efforts to compensate on her own; this is huge and shows that she has amazing potential. She just has to get beyond being shy with others. At home, she compensates, but for the most part doesn't do that in other settings.

bulging disc (again)

I saw a pain specialist today that works w/ some of the best neurosurgeons in the state, from the research I did. He looked at my MRI and said even tho the bulging disc is minimal he feels it's the main source of my pain. I have an injection scheduled for next Friday. He says it should give lasting relief. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but it sounds very promising. The doctor said the SI joint is likely only causing around 20 percent if any of my trouble, but the injection will address that too if it's part of the problem.

This is the first time a medical doctor has looked at my MRI and acknowledged a bulging disc. I've had two out of three chiropractors mention it, one of which thought it was the source of my pain. That was the guy in Peoria who told me he couldn't treat me b/c of the travel. My current chiropractor saw it but didn't think it was the main source of my pain, altho his adjustments have helped me somewhat.

It was perfect....

Perfection always eludes me. It eludes everyone. And yet some of us strive for it anyway. So yesterday I was trying to create perfection from chaos. Boxes, decorations everywhere, and an eight year old who wanted to be a part of the action. Then a message asking if we could host a group tonight. Oh no!!! But extra motivation to get it done. And I did, or almost - I was so close. In the meantime I found out the group was going to be canceled due to weather.

Let me back up a bit. Last week I asked Dave to bring up just one box of decorations so I could get started. Unfortunately, that box contained mostly tree stuff and I didn't have the tree. But it also had the candles I put in the windows, so I decided I'd get them ready, along with the wreaths and porch stuff from the garage. When I opened the box with the candles, I noticed I had two packs of unopened replacement bulbs, so apparently last year one blew out and I went ahead and got packs for this year. When I tried to screw the one I needed in, it didn't fit. Being the lazy bum that I am, I didn't want to make a special trip to get bulbs from a department store so I "settled" for something I found at the grocery store that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. What I actually got was much more expensive, but these bulbs were Tim Taylor approved, grunt, grunt, grunt. They were daylight bulbs, extra bright. Since I've had trouble w/ dim bulbs in the past, it seemed like a good idea to get them. They came in packs of two, so since I have six windows, I got three packs. I didn't want to buy extras because they cost so much, but I figured they'd last and I'd get my money's worth.

You can probably see where this is leading, but stick with me. Getting back to yesterday. The candles were all set in the windows, and Dave brought up the tree and other boxes. After all the chaos and sorting and rearranging, everything was perfect. There was just one thing I had to check. How did those extra bright bulbs look from the outside now that the tree was in place? Well, they looked fine, but I decided to reposition the ones in the front window to show off the tree a little more. They're held up by suction cups, and I made sure they were stuck on tight. After I got them in place, I went back outside to check and "voila" it was perfect.

About an hour later, we were eating dinner. I heard a noise. I thought maybe one of the candles dropped off the window, and sure enough, it had. Well, no problem, I'll just put it up again and hope it holds. WHAT???!!! I turn it on and pop goes the bulb. Perfection lost. Now I'm faced w/ a dilemma. Do I go get more expensive bulbs or do I go to the basement, dig through boxes, and get out old ones and have uneven light (if I can even access the basement ones at all). Right now, I don't care. I've had enough of perfection. I may end up doing neither.

Send Me, Lord

I feel like I could burst. I have a sense of urgency I've not experienced in a long time, if ever. Orphan Sunday is next week, and I'm coordinating it. Yesterday, a guest speaker from Compassion Int'l came to our church; he was a Compassion child that is now a pastor, and he spoke to us about the plight of the poor and the plentiful harvest of children. This past weekend, I talked w/ two moms who've adopted special needs children at an event for Katrina's school. Also, in my women's Bible Study we've been studying 2 Thes. 1:1-12 in which Paul encourages the believers to persevere in trial and prays for them to be worthy in light of the Lord's coming and wrath to come. In two weeks, we're having a Concert of Prayer for the persecuted church and orphans at our church.

Yesterday the speaker said that if every American Christian spent two weeks with the poor every year, hearts would change. Of course my first response is to want to pack up and go, but for now I know that's not realistic, although I hope there will come a day. In the meantime, I want to spend more time learning, praying, and assisting. I'm longing to be open to whatever opportunities the Lord presents.